My Aches

Most the time it's just a dull ache.  That thing I mostly try not to think about.  Sometimes I forget about the ache and it rescinds into my chest.  This happens when I'm busy, doing other things, or laughing.  But then there are days when the Ache is more of a stabbing.  These are not trivial Aches.  They are not the kind you feel momentarily after a bad break up with a boy you were never supposed to be with anyway, or the ache of getting in an fleeting argument with a friend.  These Aches are not those aches. No matter what I do I cannot forget that these Aches are there.  I cannot forget that it just hurts and there's nothing I can do about it.  I can't forget it, I can't get rid of it, I just have to feel it.

The more that I live with my friend, the Ache, the more I start to realize there could be benefits to it.  Of course I resented it at first.  I even considered, and would have, given up all my dreams to live without it.  But you can't do that can you?  You cannot give up things to stop the hurt.  Sometimes you wish on all the stars that it didn't hurt, but would you really ever give up the cause of the hurt? Never, because the things that hurt the most, the things that cause the biggest Aches in our hearts, are the things we love the most.  They're the things that would Always make us question giving up our dreams.  But these Aches are special Aches, not only are they kind that never go away, they're the kind that push us to be better.  The kind that teach us we can't give up on our dreams, even if we wish and hope that we could.

There can be comfort in the pain. Comfort in the fact, that behind the Ache, behind the things that hurt, is complete and pure Love.  The kind of Love that makes you smile in the dark, that brings you joy in the hardest of times.  The Ache hurts, but the Love always shines through in the end.  It makes the Ache worth it.  It teaches me that the Ache is there to make me more aware of the Love, not to block out the Love.  So the Ache is there.  And I can't, and won't, get rid of it.  So I embrace the Love it brings, and the comfort that I am not the only one with the Aches.  And of course not the only one with such amazing Love in my life.

Life

I've been watching this show on the Discovery Channel.  It's narrated by Oprah, it's gorgeous on my HD TV and it's all around really really interesting. (Cite here that once again I am a nerd and love to watch educational things especially about animals.... :). 

I know that you can buy these DVD's but I think they're like $60* or something so I've just been taping them.  I have 8 of the 11 episodes taped and have watched two of them.  The first one was about mammals, so you know....I can relate.  Fun fact, I don't know if I just missed this in elementary school or what but I totally didn't know bats are mammals.  I guess it makes since because I knew they didn't lay eggs, I just never put them in the same category as other mammals.  I think it's because they're not hairy....

But anyway, my main thought is the conclusion I came to while watching Episode 3: Fish.  I don't know if kids under the age of, say....15, should be watching this stuff.  First like all discovery shows there's the animal mating, which actually you don't see in this series, but they talk about it a lot.  Second, and most importantly is that I'm pretty sure this kind of stuff will scar little children.  I'm pretty sure that I'M scarred. 

Case #1:  In Episode 2: Mammals we're learning about how mammals can adapt to their surroundings so well, so we're looking at Reindeer (I so don't remember their technical name.....it wasn't caribou).  They have specially designed hooves that are soft in the summer and hard in the winter to cut through snow.  Nifty right?  Then it's talking about the crowning feature of mammals is that they protect and care for their young for much longer than most other species.  THEN it goes to a momma reindeer who has lost her calf and how she'll spend days trying to find it.  And then in Oprah's soothing voice you hear, but she won't find it alive.  Cut to the shot of a dead reindeer and about four vultures tearing meat off of it.  Well thanks Life, you've made me cry.  'Preciate that. 

Case #2:  The entire fish episode.  There is just way too much of "there's always a bigger fish out there".

Case #3:  And last again in the fish episode.  There is some fish in Hawaii, that is two inches long and spends it's entire life sucking it's way up the side of a 400 ft waterfall trying to get to 'tranquil waters' up above it where it can breed.  This fish literally uses it's sucker  mouth to inch it's way up the side of a freaking waterfall.  And this is the message that Oprah leaves us with, "Very few are strong enough to make it.  Most spend their entire lives trying to get up the waterfall just to fail and die at the bottom."  Again. Thanks for the life lessons.  This is really what I want little children to be learning.

Just to be clear, this really is an awesome series and I'm really glad that they are showing it on tv so I can have it and not have to pay for it.  I'm just saying I'm not sure I would let little kids watch it.  I'm just way to happy with my niece thinking that lions and zebras are friends to every subject her to this.  At least not until she's way older.

*I really have no idea the price I'm just throwing something out there....

Things I've learned lately

The past couple of weeks have been really busy, but I've still made time to learn a couple of things. Well a couple of things in addition to the fact that Dominos delivers until at least 2 in the morning, and a 24 hour doughnut shop is the best thing ever, as well as the worst thing ever.

Only the paranoid survive.  My professor told this to me as we were testing at 12:30 at night one night.  This was in relation to electrical systems and how tiny little things can totally screw up your hopes and dreams.  But I've realized that this can apply to all things.  Oh your friend didn't say hi to you?  They hate you.  Someone didn't give you a compliment on your new shirt?  You're obviously fat.  See?!  It totally works.

RPE - Rate of Perceived Exhaustion.  RPE is actually the new "hip" thing that personal trainers tell you to pay attention to when you're working out and it really means rate of perceived exertion.  But I found that exhaustion and it's relation to the amount of sleep you get works just as well.  See if you get anywhere from 2 or 4 hours of sleep you really feel awesome.  You can totally function normally and it's exactly like you're getting the total amount of sleep you need.  3 hours really messes with you.  But the most disgusting amount of sleep you can get is either 5 or 7.  I feel like if you can only sleep this amount of time you might as well not sleep at all because it's the same effect as getting hit by a large vehicle.  You feel like crap.  So remember, less is more, unless it's too much less, then it's much much less and never more.

Stoves catch on fire.  This actually happened about two and a half weeks ago but I hadn't had time to actually think about what or why it happened.  I was making pasta, going along just fine, I had just set the water to boil and then I look over and the entire burner and pot are on fire.  Total flames coming out from under the burner.  Now this is not because I am dirty and my burner pans are just dirty.  I honestly had just cleaned them.  To this moment I have no idea why it caught on fire but I've had to replace the burner pan and the pot.... and I'm still too afraid to turn that burner back on.  But what was weird was my reaction.  So flames are coming off and I didn't know what to do.  I turned the burner off..... still flames.  I took a hot pad and took the pot off and put it in the sink.... still flaming.  I tried blowing on.... (ya I don't know why I just did)  still got some four inch tall flames.  At this point I really had no thoughts going through my head.  I somehow knew that water would be a bad idea.  I couldn't remember why but I just knew it would probably be detrimental to the situation.  (I have since remembered that I did not want to do this because what if the fire was caused by oil?  Then throwing water on it would just make the fire pop and jump probably onto my or my hair.  Not a desirable outcome.)  So I just waited kind of staring dumbly at the fire and it eventually died down.  Then about one full minute later the fire alarm went off.  Thhhhaaaannnnkkkksss for warning me there was a fire.

Weird two weeks.

It's Happening

I think I've begun to embrace my inner nerd.  As of today I finally bit down whatever pride I had and attached my jump drive* to my keys.  This is an extremely common practice among nerds engineers because as we're going about our day doing engineer-y things like taking SEM pictures, copying someone's homework, lab testing, etc. you really just don't know when you need to bust out your jump drive!  You'll need immediately to transfer data from computer to computer, home to work, or from random data taking device to your laptop.

I really did resist.  Six whole years of being an engineer and I resisted.  One because I really hate things being on my keys (I think I've mentioned this before).  But more importantly, having a jump drive on your keys instantly labels you as a nerd.  No escaping it.  The evidence is right there, in your hand or on your person at all times.  But by golly** it's so convenient!  Let's go take some data and then move it!

*(Most people I know call this a flash drive but that's in reference to the type of memory it is and I just can't sink that low yet)
**(I'm sorry.  "By Golly" is really lame.  I know this.  But it's Easter and I feel that I can't go anywhere near swearing on Easter)