A Montage of Thoughts and Restitutions

I just got back from Christmas vacation, which was completely awesome.  I'll have an entire post dedicated to Carlsbad Caverns so this post is just a few thoughts I had over break.  First I got my car back just before the break.  I was in a collision with an unfortunate deer and didn't have it for three and a half weeks.  My friends, that was hell.  Being without a car was just maddening.  Now that I have it back I've realized that the saying is true that your car is never the same after an accident.  By looking at it you can tell no difference (except one headlight is much clearer than the other), but inside and driving it is much louder than it was before.  They had to replace part of the door and it now whistles when I'm going fast.  Fairly annoying.  I'll have to get used to it.  But it is sad to think that the car I knew and loved now has to become something I just get used to.

On a different traveling note, I adore airports.  I don't like flying in planes much because I am terribly fidgety (however speed is always appreciated), but I love watching the people in the airport.  And listening to their conversations but I try not to let anyone know that I actually do that.  But the funniest part for me is when everyone is waiting to get on the plane.  People get SO angry and SO impatient.  Is it hard to understand that we will all be on the same plane??  This is even more fascinating when we have assigned seats.  I just don't get the impatience.  But it's fun to watch people get unbelievably agitated about being FIRST in line!  They obviously deserve it : ).

My last thought is about New Years Resolutions.  I make them every year and I do enjoy thinking about them.  I was thinking about them this year though and the things that I want to do better this year than last, and it kind of turned into "what are Heidi's vices".  I don't know if it's always like that, or that's just what it is this year but it was a tad depressing.  I still pressed on though and made my resolutions.  Maybe my vices will diminish this year haha.

Um...Okay Bye! *Awkward Wave*

In the past couple of weeks I've had the misfortune opportunity to say good bye to a lot of my friends.  Most of them were good byes for just the Christmas break but a couple were good byes to friends I won't see for a very long time.  Here's the conclusion I've come to:  I am straight up terrible at saying good bye.

I've discovered that if you don't know me super well my good bye can come off a little bit like, "Hey I don't care about you. Peace!"  So so so not true.  Really I'm just baffled about what to say.  I love giving hugs and I can do that.  But after that I don't know what to do.  I feel a little bit like Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights.  I just don't know what to do with my hands.  

I can't express at all that I will miss you.  "Have a nice life" just doesn't ring true for me.  I also have a problem because I really dislike crying, and if I'm saying good bye to someone really important to me then if I think at all about how much I'll miss them it's inevitable I'll cry.  And this doesn't work for me at all.  So I just don't know what to do.  All this adds up to me being super awkward at farewells.  Like as awkward as the word awkward is.  I feel bad for anyone who has to say good bye because it's just ridiculous.  Maybe someday I'll be good at this..... but that would probably mean way more practice :(

a FeW oF mY fAvOrItE tHiNgS

Christmas.

I love this time of year so much I can hardly stand it.  And I have a few traditions that I always do that help me enjoy it even more.  This year though I guess I have been too busy to really think about all those things.  I went to a Christmas Chorale concert tonight to hear my cousin sing and while I was listening to all the different songs I realized all the things I need to do before the 24th!  And I just thought I'd make a list.

First:  I need to find myself the Mannheim Steamroller Christmas CD because it needs to be in my life.  I love listening to the violin's and the drums and the piano.  For me, it makes the holiday mood and lovin' feeling that much easier to feel.

Second:  I need to watch the Nutcracker.  When I was little we used to go watch the ballet every year.  It was possibly my favorite tradition of the Christmas season.  We stopped going because we got older, etc. but that part of my childhood is something I want to go back to.  I sent a text to my mom asking her (with no hope of positive affirmation) whether it is play at home.  Turns our the universe likes to taunt me and the last performance is the day before I get home.  I must admit I was sad.  But then my wonderful mom told me we could get it on Netflix and watch.  So excited!

Third:  White Christmas.  Honestly what would my holiday be like without the beautiful loveliness that is Bing Crosby's voice?  I can't wait to get home to New Mex, break out the VHS and settle in to watch.

Last:  The Polar Express.  This is a new tradition but it's been fairly consistent.  I'm not as invested in it as the others but I do love the music that it has.  And cartoons are always lovely!

I also can't wait to go shopping.  I know it's a rather tedious task but I love shopping for all the presents for my friends and family.  If only I could do it without all the annoying high schooler's that inhabit the mall.....  maybe I'll become an internet shopper...  : ).

Holidaze Time

I completely love the holidays.  For a few reasons.  One I have so much fun picking out presents for people and spending time with family and friends.  But a close second is that I adore this tasty treat:

Let's be honest.  I drink Starbucks year round.  But it is ultimately more fulfilling during the holidays because there's a ton more variety.  Peppermint signature hot chocolate just to name one.  But chai tea latte's and normal signature hot chocolate with cinnamon and cream always hit the spot.  I just can't get enough of this lovin'.  So fan.freaking.tastic.

Fall apparently passed me by...

The last time I looked it was the first of November.  It was then that I realized I have completely missed all of October.  And now I realize I've already missed an entire week of November!  What is that all about?  I guess I missed all this time in blogging too since it's been a month and a half since I've written something.  There's two reasons for this, both don't matter at all but I'll tell you anyway.  First it really has been like I've missed the last month.  This semester has just been going by insanely fast which is good because I hate it, but also bad because I don't have any time to get my bearings!  The second reason is that I haven't been incredibly happy and writing when I'm not happy is not a fun experience for anyone.  But I think I've turned a corner there.  

For a little while I could see no light at the end of the tunnel.  I thought that the tunnel I was in had no end and people just went in it to die horrible claustrophobic deaths and no one would ever find their bodies.

Because of that happy sentiment I've had the opportunity to realize just how amazing my friends and family are.  Never before in my life have I had to lean so hard on the ones who love me.  They taught me something I have a sneaking suspicion I desperately needed to learn.  That is:  The value of Perspective.

Everything is in extreme focus when you're very close to it.

Such extreme focus that the rest of the big picture is severely diminished.

Sometimes that kind of focus can bring beauty to something you never noticed before.  Unfortunately it can also make you feel like you are a single solitary leaf being blown about by the wind and no one else knows how you're feeling.

This isn't exactly reality though.  There are many beautiful things that we can see if we widen our focus, and widen our perspective.  It might take a little longer to see (we have to lengthen the shutter speed), but it's still there.  And the colors can be amazing.

Basically the thing I learned about perspective is that there's always light somewhere.  It just might not be where I'm looking at the moment.  So if I don't see any light, I just need to look somewhere else.

And it's always the darkest before the brilliant sunny dawn.

*If you couldn't tell, I get picture happy in the fall.  It turned out to be one of the main things that made me happy this past month.  I have so many more pictures I wish I could put them all up so that I could look at them more and more.

Some thoughts on the first week of school

There are a few phrases that I can honestly say terrify me.

* "We're going to have a small quiz today on the first day of class.  It's on completely basic principles and you all should have no problem remembering everything."  Uh.... Well damn.  This means that I'm not going to have any idea what's on this quiz.  I get the quiz, the kid next to me is already done with his and I can't think of anything to write down.  Crap.  Good omens all around.

* "The basis for this theory is in quantum mechanics."  Oh dear.  This means I'm going to have to study and try and understand quantum mechanics?

* "This class is mostly full of freshmen."  Hahahaha I'm a second year PhD student....  mm this should be fun.

On a side note, I kind of adore school being back in session because people watching has become a magnificent distraction of my time.  Last week while waiting for a class to be open I saw the best kid walk by.  He had a long curly fro that was styled perfectly in a Flock of Seagulls do.  I wanted to take a picture so bad but kid was booking it like mad to get to class.  Poor freshy, he was probably lost.

Expectations.

Funny thing them...

If you know me you know my feelings on using the dictionary to define things (i.e. I hate it) when giving a talk or something like that.  But sometimes it does adequately express my relationship with the term I'm investigating. 
Example:

ex·pec·ta·tion

1 : the act or state of expecting : anticipation

2 a : something expected   b : basis for expecting : assurance 

3 : the state of being expected

4 a : expectancy  b : expected value

 

Here's my issue with expectations.  They're impossible not to have right?  But no where in that definition does it state that they are at all based in fact, reality, or logic.  This is pure emotion right here.  There is that pesky word 'assurance' but the example that was given had to do with people making assurances regarding wills.  I think it's safe to discount that as truly being fact.  The part of the definition that just kills me is 4b, the expected value of something.  Expectations get so convoluted in your mind when they're jumbled around with hopes and dreams and emotions.  Those four get together, have a party, and shove lamesauce reality and logic straight out the door like little engineering nerds at a frat party.

I realize expectations have a place at the party in my head.  Just sometimes I wish they wouldn't be so pushy!  I like logic and reason, I embrace their nerdiness!  But still these expectations just get in there and have a conversation much like in Emperor's New Groove with the shoulder angel/devil where the devil says "He's going to lead you down the path of right, I'm going to lead you down the path that ROCKS!".  Because expectations do rock.  They make you work hard, give you hope, and when they're met or exceeded all is sweetness and light.  

 

Oh but then there are those rare moments when you wake up from the party in your head and realize you have a sick hangover.  And you try to remember why you have this horrendous headache, and, AH....there it is:  those expectations got justalittlebit outta hand and carried away.  OOPS!  Time to rein those suckas in!  Whether they've been straight up dashed or just need to be refocused in a more refined less alcoholic direction the feeling is the same; headache.