Surveyage

Got this from Abbey, thought it was pretty interesting and I don't want to do homework at the moment...

I am: a girl, trying to find it.
I think: that music makes everything better
I know: that I could not live without my family
I want: to not have to worry about what's going to happen with school
I dislike: hypocrisy, not knowing
I miss: playing soccer, my parents
I fear: people won't like me
I hear: House, Ab and Ben discussing something
I smell: nothing...oh wait, the sage bath salts I just used
I crave: running
I cry: when I don't know what to do in a fight
I search: for interesting things every day
I wonder: if my presentation will be okay on Thursday
I regret: many choices and that I'm not as good as I could be
I love: laughing and intellectual conversations
I care: about making people happy
I always: am willing to look at cars
I worry: that I won't be a good engineer
I am not: convinced of everything people tell me
I remember: days when stress was not being able to see Lauren for an hour
I believe: exercise is one of the best ways to use your time
I dance: only when alone
I sing: all the time, there is always a song in my head
I don't always: see the use in some conversations
I argue: only when I'm truly passionate, banter on the other hand is an entirely different story
I write: to say the words that I can't say out loud to the people I'm not so good at talking to
I win: when I'm logical
I lose: an astonishing amount of items, but I manage to find them all...I think
I listen: to what you say
I don't understand: how good intentions can't carry me through
I can usually be found: doing homework or procrastinating the homework I should be doing
I am scared: of bridges
I need: knowledge
I forget: the ecstasy that comes from feeling in control of school
I am happy: when I understand, when I feel needed, when I am around the people I love.

Heidi Just Got Owned

So this morning....I'm getting ready for school just talking to Abbey and K, occassionally giving K a yellow skittle, just hanging out. Then my niecy sees my teddy bear on my bed and she really wants it. So I strike a deal with her. "I'll give you my bear if you give me your milk....?" So she grabs her milk and reaches for my bear. "No I get the milk and then you have my bear." Okay so she hands the milk over I give her the bear and I pretend to drink the milk. She's awesome for 2.5 seconds, then she wants her milk back. "Nope, it's mine now." "Mine?" "No K, it's mine, unless you give me the bear." "No!!" Okay so I'm not giving up the milk. Then she starts jabbering and pointing to the bear and the milk. And somewhere in the jabbering I catch, bear tirsty.... "Oh okay, so the bear is thirsty?" A nod. Well we can't have that now can we. Ha so I hand over the milk and she gives some to the bear. And then she starts drinking the milk and runs out of the room. Priceless. And that was me getting owned by the next generation. Haha, then she comes back in and I'm drinking water and she points to and goes "water. Mine." Haha it was awesome. Funny kid. Maybe Abbey will tell the story about her trying to get the tupperware open...

Not too Late, it's Never too Late

So I was reminded today of a song by Three Days Grace, called Never too Late. I was thinking about this as I was wallowing in the crap that I'm feeling like right now about how everything has gone wrong, or seems to be going wrong (see my last post). This is the point where I realized that I was ridiculously lame. Sometimes you really need to be slapped in the face, or beaten repeatedly over the head, by your mistakes and the areas where you're really not doing that well. You need this because it does one of two things, either it makes you really depressed and you start a downward spiral of despair, or you realize, hey so I'm really not that awesome, okay, but I can do something about that. I can do better than I have been doing and I can make this right. Hence the lyrics from Three Days Grace. So I still kind of feel like crap and that everything is awful, but I'm now really determined to make it better. Haha as I sit here writing instead of my homework, but I have gotten a lot done! So here begins another quest to be better. It sort of seems like I start this a lot, but even though I start this a lot, hopefully I'm not starting as low as last time or the time before that....Hopefully I'm building.

FanFreakinTastic

Don't you just love it when you have this problem situation and you talk it out with people, only to find that, oh ya, it's all your fault. Love things like that. They just really make you go all warm and fuzzy inside....or maybe that's the guilt that's eating away at you.....I can never really tell the difference. Oh ya, it is just the guilt that I'm causing more problems than I'm fixing and not living up to anything. Ya it's definitely more that than the warm and fuzzy....Awesome.

Pi and Robert Parker

So I've been reading this book called Life of Pi, about a boy who gets stuck on a life boat with a Bengal Tiger after his ship sinks. There are so many interesting parts of the book and all of them I could go on and on about and analyze to death. But for honest I can't remember them all right now and that would be tiring I think. So I'll just discuss the one that most interests me at this precise moment. At this point in the book Pi is on the boat, the auxiliary animals have died and it's just him and Robert Parker, the Bengal Tiger. He is discussing his will to live and he says that at this point he discovers he has a fierce will to live. Some people give up on life very easily, others fight and then give up after a while, and only a select few would fight with everything they have for their life. Here's what I'm pondering. How do you know which one you are? Unless you have an extreme experience, such as spending 7 months on a boat out at sea with a deadly 450 pound tiger, how do you know? And what do you think you are? I honestly couldn't tell you which category I fall into, but if I did, would it change the way that I live the life I have? Would it effect me so much that if I was a fighter I would not waste any time, or make the most of every relationship I have? How would it change you at your core to KNOW what you are. Granted it could already be decided which outlook we have, but would knowing effect us any different? If you were one who wouldn't fight at all, if you knew that maybe you would change you view and morph into a fighter. I hostnly don't know but it is interesting to think about.

Get to the heart of things

I was having a long discussion with my friend the other night and we just kept coming up with questions to ask eachother. It was pretty fun. For example, some of the questions were: What do you think your best physical quality is? What do you think your best personality trait is? Favorite flower? What song do you think best describes you (in a beat, tempo, words kind of way not the deeper meaning of the song)? Favorite cartoon as a little kid? What horrible traits are your children going to have to get back at you? What do you think my best personality trait is? (haha side note, I asked that one not because, hey tell me how awesome I am, but mostly because I am really really interested in what other people think of me) And my favorite but perhaps most deadly, biggest irrational fear? So if you feel so inclined please tell me your answers, and if you really want to know I'll tell you mine but I'm sure not everyone reading this doesn't want to know all that stuff about me. My point though was that that's the kind of information that you don't normally know or even ask but it's so fascinating to know that about people and it helps me make for a psychological profile about my friends.

A different side note but a more important one as it's racking stress up in my back; school. So I have a physics class that is SO incredibly interesting to me, but at the same time I feel a little like I'm drowning in it. I understand everything the teacher talks about in class. I understand his derivations and how we got to the formulas we have. But then he doesn't go over problems in class so I get home to my homework and have absolutely NO idea what is going on. I freaked out about this, almost unnecessarily but I blame this on cold mediction. I couldn't think at all, I couldn't create a rational plan to deal with anything, I had nothing. Abbey wasn't home so she missed this freak out but I was pacing, my heart was racing, I honestly was having a panic attack about not being able to do a stupid homework. So I went to bed. I was a little calmer in the morning and I tried a little more of the homework, but bottom line, only got 2 problems out of 5. But I felt a little better because no one else got any more than I did. Here's where most of my stress comes though. I hate turning in something like that to a teacher. It humiliates me that I wasn't able to get some simple electromagnetic physics problems. Or even anything else. I don't want to go to class because I don't want the teacher to see that I failed. That's stupid I know because the teachers are there to help and now he knows that none of us know what's going on, but still I feel personally humiliated. Well maybe one good thing about this weird reaction I have is that it totally drives me to do better at school. Right now I think I care more about my GPA then I ever have (Although it's really for a gay reason) but I am stressing myself about getting good grades and even though it annoys me I am going to be doing homework all the time.... Haha sorry for the randomness I just had to vent.

We all have issues.......right?

Today's philisophical topic -- emotional health. Every one has issues with self esteem and the fact that we make mistakes... But how do we keep those moments of self doubt from completely taking over our image of ourselves and those moments become days and years of not realizing how truly amazing you are. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she was telling me that she really wasn't happy with herself and she didn't know what to do about it. I tried so hard to try and say things to make her feel better, to help her know that she is amazing, I know she is. I even shared stories about myself when I didn't feel good about myself to try and tell her that you can get over it or it happens to every one but I think that just made it worse and made me look so incredibly bad. So incredibly bad. We will however forget about that and move on to my theory about the entire thing.

**Disclaimer: I am so not the poster child for good self esteem, BUT I have made tons of progress in the whole being happy with myself area. And this is just my personal opinion on approving of yourself.**

So here is my thing. There are always 'big' things that we take and run with that make us doubt ourselves. Here is my rememdy for that. Try and appreciate the little things. I think you should take the little compliments that people tell you, maybe just even in passing, and log them away for those times when you're sad. Those times when someone totally random tells you that you look cute that day, or even better, someone you totally adore tells you that you're gorgeous. Just remember all those little moments and how awesome they made you feel. Times like those make you feel, even for just a second, like 'hey, I'm a little bit awesome.' Haha remember those moments and most of all believe people when they say things like that. I know that some days are just not good self image days, I understand that, but those feelings aren't reflected in how you look to other people. Although if you feel awesome, or even a little bit good about yourself, it shows.

Other than that, I have no idea how to feel good about yourself. I suppose finding something that you truly love about yourself, and love it even more. Also find something that you absolutely love to do...no matter what other people think about you...and do it. It makes you happy and you should always do it. (Unless it is illegal, immoral....all the usual stuff :) But I really don't know if those things would even help other people....how can I help when this has to come from inside? I just don't know...

I don't want to step on anyone's beliefs here....

Well...here we go.

HAHAHAHA I L.O.V.E. Brian Regan and I'm so glad that he has come out with a new DVD. His piece on Saturday was priceless! The part I just quoted was when he's bashing (quite well) on psychics who 'talk with the dead'. It was awesome.

Second favorite part: when he's discussing Pluto's planet status and some guy from the crowd just yells "The big yellow one is the Sun!!" Haha it was awesome because he goes, thanks for that, we're doing a tv special right now haha. I can't wait to watch it again.

In other news: Football is back!! And I'm going to get my trashed kicked by my loving father. Ha, my fantasy team is maybe phenomenal but this week it wasn't arranged correctly, as evidenced by the fact that my bench has more points that my team and I didn't even score that low. But I'll do better next week. In the mean time my dad is going to have a one up on me. Unless of course Adrian Peterson scores some major touchdowns tomorrow night, which we all know is possible! I'm also glad that Brett Favre won on his first game as a Jet after the Packers let him go thinking him outdated. I love the guy, he carried my fantasy team last year and I love it. All I can say I hope this season is good (Tom Brady isn't too hurt so he can trash everyone else...) and my team doesn't go from fantasy to fantnasty!!

You are what you eat....or whatever.

So here's a confession. And I don't make these very often, haha. Costco sells these four cheese tortellini, in huge packages right because it's Costco. Well it comes in two parts and I think there is 6 servings in one part. Great for the whole family I promise. Well I can eat an entire package all by myself. I love these dang things. I could eat them all day and I don't get full of them. So that's my fat girl confession haha I can eat tortellini ALL THE LIVELONG DAY.

I'm sitting here with my niece this morning, watching Oy Ory. It's fascinating. I love babysitting because I get to watch cartoons and movies with her all the time. I forgot how funny this movie was.. Watching Buzz Lightyear drive the car is genuinely awesome. And I love how the characters all personify the actors that are giving them voices. You can totally tell Tom Hanks' personality and Tim Allen is flippin hilarious. And there are good one liners but I can never really remember those afterward...haha I have a bad memory for things like this because I get distracted by everything else that is going on.

Speaking of one-liners, Saturday is the day! Brian Regan comes out with a new DVD and act and I can't wait to see it!! I was talking to my friend Kara about it yesterday and we submit that it cannot get any better than this! We were also talking about her class about the US Presidency and how the election is going to factor ito her teaching. I wish that I could be in her class so that I could talk about it with her and the kids in her class. This one is shaping up to be really interesting! Not going to get into it right now though...haha I don't have enough info for my comfort level. But I will by the time I go home for my dad's birthday haha so that I can talk to him about it.

Well I guess that's enough topics for one post...I have to go back to school now. YAY!! Haha