Wednesday, January 6, 2010


I discovered something today that perhaps I have always known and just couldn't admit.

There is no dignified way on earth to eat popcorn.

Let me run down what happens for you. First you can't just eat a kernel at a time, that makes you someone I would make fun of. So basically you're eating 4-6 kernels. So that's a pretty good amount for all your fingers to hold. And you're trying to shove that in your mouth, which is in itself totally attractive. Mouth open wide shoving your fingers into it. Then it happens. A little piece breaks off and you can feel it falling out. You can't just let it go so you move your lips not unlike a camel does when it's eating. Well that never works so you're also trying to suck the piece back in. And the wind going through the popcorn makes a sound eerily like slurping soup. And you still can't save the popcorn. The seemingly harmless piece is falling and you think to yourself "ah well it's just a little piece". And then it goes down your shirt. They all do. No matter what shirt you're wearing.

So there you are, mouth wide open with four fingers stuffed in with your lips moving like a camels, making a highly appetizing slurping noise and you just got popcorn down your shirt.
You're done.
You just have to move on because there's no saving your pride now.
So what do you do?

You go back for another handful.
Because let's face it, buttered popcorn if taken with time between doses is right up there with manna from heaven.

Maybe this is why we only eat this stuff in dark theaters where no one can see you obviously digging for things in your shirt/bra.


Abbey said...

Fu-NNY. Funny man. If it weren't 12:15 and my whole family was asleep, I would be effing loling. I can supply extra sound effects for you:
Watch the weird Fantastic Mr. Fox. Observe him as he eats his morning toast.
That's what I feel like is happening when one eats popcorn.